I - It :: I - You

In the early 90's, Daniel Goleman published the best-selling book "Emotional Intelligence". As an officer in the military, facing frustrations with the limitations of stereotypical military leadership styles and attitudes, reading this book gave me great hope and insight. At least I wasn't the only person that believed that being in touch with human emotions was critical to success - especially in a leadership role. Have you taken an emotional intelligence lately? I did OK on mine - although I obviously have room for improvement in a couple of areas...Goleman's latest book - "Social Intelligence" is equally eye opening. One theme he explores in his latest work is the personal versus impersonal mode of human interaction. He introduces the I-It concept as a common behavior in which we overlook the human aspect of people we meet in certain settings. This is especially prevalent in the medical and service industries. How many times have you treated another person as an "it"? I see it every week when I travel - so many airline employees, from ticket agents to flight attendants, passengers and customers showing utter disregard for the fact that they are interacting with another human being. The alternative approach - the I-You interaction, involves an awareness of the other person, including sensitivity to their emotional state. The I-it is certainly more convenient in many situations, and it requires a whole lot less stress and effort - when I stop at Starbucks, I just want a cup of coffee, I’m usually not prepared to hear the latest emotional ills of my neighborhood barista... But how often do we choose the I-it style when we really don't have to? Try this - next time you're out for a meal at a restaurant and the waiter/waitress refills your water glass, take the time to look them in the eye, smile and extend a warm "thank you". Hold the gaze long enough to measure their reaction. At the same time, assess your own internal reaction to the 2-second gesture - you may be surprised. The brain responds to this sort of social interaction in milliseconds - you'll be amazed at what that 2-second pause will do for you. Invest about 3 minutes in a day, in two-second increments, to these random acts of I-you and let me know how it turns out...

The Blue-Green Message

My favorite Blue Man Group skit is "internet cafe". It's a commentary on today's cyber connected society who stays in touch electronically with people all over the world while failing to acknowledge the human being occupying the seat right next to them. I've taken this philosphy into account when I travel - or even go out in public for that matter. Ever notice the competitive nature in which people board airplanes? I fly a lot (almost every week), and I've taken to people watching and social observation. Observe yourself next time you travel - what do you see? It's amazing how much better the trip can be when you travel compassionately and not competitively. I caught myself a couple of weeks ago:

I travel so much that I even know which 3 or 4 seats I can comfortably occupy on any given aircraft. In a way, I've become a bit of a seat snob - I insist on having a seat where my legs are not bruised by the seat in front of me...I like to have my elbows clear of other peoples' rib cage as well. (Apparently, when airline seats were designed, they chose not to use my frame as the design point.) On a recent flight from Houston to Kansas City I was booked on a Continental Airlines regional jet. Now, on a Continental (or Express Air) regional jet, there are exactly two seats that can reasonably accommodate me - 1A and 12A. My alternate choices are 3B and 12B, with hopes that 3C or 12C are not occupied by a large individual. On this particular flight, I had to fall back to my alternative - 12B. Sitting in the departure gate of the airport, I noticed another man, about my size, preparing to board. I chuckled to myself thinking - "just my luck, he'll be in 12C". As he walked by, I noticed the boarding pass protruding from his shirt pocket - you guessed it - 12C. I immediately was overcome with a burst of negative energy, anticipating a cramped ride with little room to even hold a book open.

That's when I caught myself and decided to take contol of the situation and steer it in a different direction. As we boarded the plane, I settled in and assisted my seat-mate in stowing his bags, with a warm smile and friendly gesture. Rather than comment on the small size of the seats, I focused on the generous amount of leg room we had in the exit row. We struck up a conversation about the books we were reading, consultatative selling and public speaking. It was one of the more pleasant flights I have had in a while. Just to think - it all could have been different, if I chose to maintain the status quo and remain disconnected with the human being sitting next to me....fly compassionately - not competitively.

I really like Blue Man Group, by the way.

Signals of Change

Have you noticed the growing abyss between the communication standards of the younger generation? (what are they called, generation "Y" ? - Why ask "Y"?) As a father of two young boys, I become more and more aware of this every year. I feel funny trying to relate to them what life was like before the internet and email. ("wow, that was a lonnnng time ago, wasn't it dad!) Online social networking is no longer a curious fad for pubescent teens, it's moving with this generation right into the mainstream. The gap was illustrated graphically for me about a year ago at the SPX Leadership conference. One of the guest speakers polled the audience (a hundred and something corporate executives) to see how many had a "myspace" account. One hand sheepishly went up.

While myspace might not be the preferred gathering space for today's executive, it looks like the corporate world social network sites are popping up like mushrooms! Several years ago, a colleague (and networker extraordinaire), sent me a link to a site called "LinkedIn", an upstart business networking site. Seemed like a bit of a novelty at the time, but I went ahead and registered and basically forgot about it. Today, practically every person on my personal address book is on LinkedIn, and I seem to get invitations to join other networking sites every month. Just like our kids, we grown-ups are finally finding efficient ways to keep up with an ever growing network of social contacts. I love LinkedIn. Especially when I travel (which is almost weekly). Now I can quickly fill in those dead spots on the travel itinerary by having a coffee with an old friend or classmate, some whom I haven't seen in 20 years. Check it out, it's a good thing...

Speaking of generation gaps. During lunch break on Thursday, I had the pleasure of visiting my son's 5th grade gifted education class. I was introducing them to a technique of using storyboards to organize and prepare presentations, papers and speeches. During part of the class, I asked the class to explain the steps that are necessary when preparing a presentation. As I was writing the kids' answers on the whiteboard, an amazingly complete list emerged, including all of the textbook stuff; determine your topic and timeline, research, collect your thoughts, write your presentation, etc. One step that was conspicuously missing (and, from my corporate experience, the very FIRST step most adult students list) was "create visual aids" or "open powerpoint". In years of facilitating corporate communications training courses, this was the first time I had a class that failed to mention visual aids. These kids, by the way, are all proficient at powerpoint - they learn that in 3rd grade.

Puzzled (and pleased) I asked them where this step belongs in the process. Many in the class shot me odd looks, "why do you need visual aids, Mr. Dendy. Doesn't that just detract attention from the speaker. After all, the whole point of doing a presentation is to hear the speaker talk, isn't it?" Being only a week after MLK day, I also got the self-assured response "When Martin Luther King gave his 'I Have a Dream' speech, he didn't need visual aids, did he? What's the point?!"

Oh, to have the enlightened mind of a 5th grader!! I wish I had a video camera with me that day - I would play that video in every "Presentation Skills" workshop that I facilitate. When was the last time you actually sat through a corporate presentation and said "wow, what a dynamic speaker!" ? Presentations have somehow morphed away from being an exercise in interpersonal communication and are becoming a form of entertainment, where the focus is on the media and away from the speaker. In a way, it's easier now for anyone to give a corporate presentation. With such a low standard, the dynamic and talented speakers no longer stand out so much - unless they make a concerted effort to do so. Once again, the challenge remains: "Are YOU smarter than a 5th grader?"